3 Words "Spring Break...Cabo"

Lately all I have had time for was "Legally Blonde" practice I didn't even really have enough time to get ready for and to recuperate from Prom which explains my complete lack of energy this morning.  I really am enjoying doing the play since I haven't done one in so long I guess I just wish there was some way to do the play and have time...maybe if I had more than 24 hours to sleep, eat, go to school, practice, do homework and finish these God forsaken projects.  I guess I just needed to vent because the play will be over by the end of the weekend and I'm just extremely tired.  Have a great day!

I wish I could say you were making me famous

My mother and I were arguing this morning.  She was talking about how I have lost friends, not gained them, in my high school career.  Our argument made me realize, and I know I can't blame all of it on others, but a lot of the friends that I have lost have been people that have talked poorly about me or just been mean.  Then I realized, freshman year I would have come up with a witty comeback for the rumor spreaders but now I don't even have the power to say that line "Keep talking about me.  You are making me famous."  At this point I can't fix the idiocy that is high school so I thought I'd write about it instead.

Drama

I don't understand High School girls.  I realize that I am still a high school girl however I do like to believe I try to stay away from the petty silly stuff.  Last night I got on facebook for the first time in weeks just to see what was going on and I was greeted with a comment that I was deeply offended by.  I was just going to let it go but I decided to text the girl and find out what she was talking about.  She outwardly accused me of passing advances at her boyfriend.  I have a boyfriend of my own who is in my class when I have the only interaction that I ever do with her boyfriend.  I was offended and I'm not completely sure why.  When a girl calls me a slut, a bitch, or spreads other nasty rumors about me I don't mind nearly as much as when a girl tells me that I am unhappy in my relationship so much that I would go after hers. I guess I just needed to vent about it.

The end of life as we know it

My boyfriend and I are expecting as you already know.  I can't help but wonder...is this the end of life as we know it? College? that'll be a no go.  Crazy 21st Birthday Party? I don't think so. Most any of the fun stuff that my friends will be experiencing I won't be there for and I can't help but wonder...am I even making the right choice? I mean of course abortion is never an option but maybe adoption is...and then I got on Twitter.  Wouldn't you know it the trending topic among my friends was #tomyunbornchild and then it hit me.  This child didn't ask to be born it didn't get to choose the life it was given, none of us do, and for me to take the easy way out...that's selfish.  I realized that not only was I going to be a mother but I was going to love that child and I was going to give that child the best life that I possibly could because even so that little baby growing inside me didn't request a teenage mother just shy of college that's what the baby was dealt and so I was going to try and make up for it the best I can.  My friends have told me before that they think I will be a good mother, honestly, I'm not so sure but I'm sure as hell going to try.

Mental Events vs. External Actions

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying." Ralph Waldo Emerson
I took a test today in AP Literature and it made me realize that not only does the dynamic relationship between Mental Events and External Actions exsist in works by Shakespeare but the relationship also exsists in everyday life.  In Hamlet we are able to see the character of Hamlet grow and mature through the things that he thinks and the events that he plays out in his mind, we also see those results in the way he interacts with people and the decisions that he makes.  I know that people are always growing, learning and maturing but I've noticed today that there is a distinct relationship between what goes on inside someone's head and what they do in everyday life.  Someone can talk with the utmost confidence and maturity and lead an entire nation through a depression and build up their army, however, it is when they use their power to attempt to wipe out an entire population that you see who they truely are and what they are truely made of.  I can tell you all I want that I am mature for my age, I can talk to you about medicine and politics and I can talk about my experiences and who they have made me, but don't take my word on it let me show you who I really am. Don't judge people by what they say, whether it is a good or bad judgement, let them show you how mature, how kind, and how smart they really are.  All to often we let people tell us what they want to about themselves and I am realizing that maybe it is time that instead we let people show us, because that is when you see what they are really made of.  What people do in their everyday lives is who they really are.  So be yourself and be the best self that you can possibly be.

1 Month Down Approximately 8 More to go

I've been very scared lately... I haven't gotten a period and pregnancy tests have that evil little + where the - should be... how am I supposed to be allowed to go to Marshall University in West Virginia 8 hours away if there is a baby joining us in September or October... Aaron knows and he claims he is ecstatic... I don't know if I can handle all of this excitement right now and quite frankly I'm not sure if I want to... I  am going to have to jeopardize my future to get where I need to be with this baby I guess... I hope Aaron knows that I love him and I need him more than ever right now and that we will get through it together... Thanks for listening anyway guys....

Call Backs!

I tried out for a play at school yesterday "Legally Blond: the Musical" and I finally got a call back, first one ever.  I should be so much more excited than I am but maybe that will come.  Anyway, I sang "The Only Exception" by Paramore and I felt really good about it.  This is the first time that I have felt really good about something that I have done artistically in a long time.  Normally when I do something artistically I feel like its crap or that I'll never be good enough and then I don't get the part or a call back even which doesn't help my low self esteem at all.  Which is why this time I went in thinking that there was no way I was going to get the part anyway so I have no reason to be nervous.  I was going to sing "Not That Girl" from Wicked until I asked my wonderful friend Shane Smith what he thought that I should do and he suggested that song and I am so grateful.  I feel like I did really well and  I am really proud of myself who knows I may even actually go out for the talent show this year, but if I do, I know I will have to sing that song again because it fit my voice so well. Callbacks seem like such a great feat right now maybe next it will actually be getting the role.  One can only hope <3

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

So...My boyfriend may or may not be cheating on me.  I was looking through his I-Pod and found an app for him to text on...I found texting to some girl, they were dirty texts and I didn't really know how to handle it...I just kinda tried to talk to him and when that didn't work I yelled, I didn't cry, I was angry and he had all of these excuses for why they are possibly on there...I don't know whether or not I can trust him...it's awful...I can't even trust my boyfriend...and I can't decide what I should do...I guess I just need to sleep on it.

The Week in Rap?

I have had a pretty interesting week this week I met a boy...yes I have a boyfriend... but this boy is different he is smart and funny and cute and...he has a child...but no mommy for said child...and that's really sad...sometimes I wish that their was something that I could do...he is such a sweet little boy so cute and funny...its wrong of me to be so...infatuated by this child...I am supposed to meet this boy and his son this weekend and I am really kind of nervous...I know its ridiculous but what if he doesn't like me...or worse what if his baby doesn't?

You may say that I'm a dreamer....but I'm not the only one

I had a really strange dream last night.  I don't know what it means and I only vaguely remember what it was about.  I was in a house, I'm not sure whose house it was but I felt comfortable in this house.  I was surrounded then by people I didn't know.  However, even though I didn't recognize the people I could somehow feel that they all cared for me, deeply, I am not sure how I was able to sense that but I just knew in my core that they loved me.

In my dream I was just sitting on a couch not saying anything to anyone I was just looking around and observing the people.  It was strange and unlike me.  I have never been one to sit back and not talk while surrounded by loud boisterous people. 

Then all of a sudden I was sitting on this same little couch not saying anything to the people around me when Patrick walked up to me, for all of you who don't know Patrick is my scummy ex boyfriend, he and I broke up because some girl was having a baby by him and he is quite possibly the most detestable human being to date, but I digress, he walked up to me and sat next to me and hugged me and we were holding hands.

I felt so happy in that moment and I don't even know why because as hard as I have tried I have finally succeeded in not feeling anything for him at all no matter what he says.  And then I have this completely random and disconnected dream and I am so happy with him and I wake up wanting to see him and talk to him and hold him.

But, its just a dream and it doesn't matter how much I want to see Patrick or how much I miss him I will not see him.  I will slowly slip back into my reality and go back to my super loving boyfriend and go on with my super boring life. 

Olive Juice and Elephant Shoes

Dedicated to my dearest loving boyfriend,
You're an amazing friend and a wonderful boyfriend I care about you so much and Idk what I would do without you you have gotten me through some pretty rough spots in my life and for that I am forever grateful but you must also know that a girl can only go so long without sex before they go completely insane. As much as I love you you need to pick up the pace because I'm getting to that point so make your decision please because I need it for real.
Love always,
The silly girl you kiss on the head between classes

Two years is too much to let go of without a fight.

I can't figure out why my one real, true, love won't even talk to me anymore without acting like it is some huge impostition.  He won't text me anymore. And as hard as I try when I go out to his house and knock on his door he won't answer, none of his family will.  I'm sorry Justin Lyle Smith.  The reason I felt obligated to leave you so abruptly is because you stopped living for yourself. You no longer took the time to do the things you wanted to do and you did it "so all of your time could be for me" that is not and never will be a suitable excuse for me and it pains me because I honestly do feel as if you meant well in those few months that we struggled through the end of our relationship.  With that being said, none of it is gone, the feelings, the memories, everyone tried to convince me that with time it would all go away.  But so far, no dice, I still have everything left over from our relationship too.  Your shirt, shorts, hoodie, blanket, coats, gifts, and pictures.  I never could convince myself that I was really ready to move forward and leave that part of my life behind me.  I still wear your shirt and shorts to bed sometimes and it reminds me of the times that I would put on your clothes after we were done cuddling after sex.  It wasn't easy for me to accept the end of your friendship with the end of our relationship and it certainly hasn't gotten any better.  That is why I started blogging forreal in the first place, I started dreaming again.  About you and your comforting smile and ways that you had and I couldn't make the awful dreams stop no matter how I tried and the worst part? I felt like they almost made me feel better in a sick sort of way.  Like even though you aren't with me or near me anymore you are when I shut my eyes.  I just long day in and day out to find out how you are doing and talk to you and know what all is going right for you as you are now.  Or God forbid what bad things have happened with you and your family.  I probably will always love you.  It seems silly I know it two years in my Freshman and Sophomore years of Highschool.  But two years is a long time to let go with little notice.  Two years is too much to let go of without a fight.

Reverting to a three year old state of mind

I'm starting to see that maybe I revert back to a younger state of mind.  I see my "Best Friend" walking with someone else, someone else holding his hand laughing with him and its getting to feel like he has no time for me anymore.  And even so it seems silly sometimes I want to yell when I see them and shout "THAT IS MY BEST FRIEND!" because it hurts me deep inside and I don't know how to handle it.  I want to be able to hug him and cuddle him and hold his hand.  I want to hear him say he loves me still and I want to hang out with him and laugh and have fun.  Is that too much to ask really? I just want my best friend back and I want to tell him that but I know that he wouldn't feel the same way I can tell by the way he walks with and talks to my replacement.  That may be what hurts the most. Replaced.

Keep your head up gorgeous

As I have grown and matured I have learned a lot of things but there are still some things that I can't wrap my head around, such as, Keep your head up, what in the world does that mean? And how can someone I don't even know tell me that everything is going to be alright? and not to worry? All I do is worry all of the time so no matter how many times or ways you say it chances are you might never get through to me its a difficult task indeed.  however, I'm learning to accept advice because even so I may not always feel like I can keep my head up I will always cherish the compliment's I am given to help me do so. 

Exhausted

I understand that finding enough time to hang out with my boyfriend my friends and my family was bound to be hard, especially while juggling chores as well but my goodness I'm about done even trying because I have never felt so tired in my life. I absolutely love my boyfriend to pieces but when I tell him that I have a migraine and I'm about to throw up on him after leaving a movie I wish he would just take me home rather than try to discuss various headache remedies and what would be easy for me to do now with a headache I'm sorry but when I have a migraine I tried to tell you I just need to sleep a lot lol. I felt really bad tonight because after doing chores all day I received a text from my best friend asking me to go see a movie with her and her mama which I would have loved to have done but my parents wouldnt let me out and I'm not made of money so of course she got upset with me but what can you do you know? And my family drives me up a freaking wall I swear my father tells me I'm not allowed to leave the house and then he says we're watching tv together and he turns on shows like "Big Shrimpin'" and other ridiculous shows that none of us want to watch I'm sorry but when you do that it makes me unable to wait until I'm 18 even more because I'll be long gone my friend. Oh well I guess I just needed to get some stuff off my chest goodnight xoxo

Nervous Nellie?

Lately I don't know what it is but everything that I do makes me just about jump out of my skin.  As hard as I try I can't calm down it's awful and it's causing me to freak out about the little things.  I will be texting Aaron one minute and then it takes him a little longer to reply and I freak about how he never has time for me.  I feel like I don't even know what to do with myself anymore to make me calm down because its not exactly healthy to get upset with people all the time.  I just wish I could be really truely happy again. any ideas how I could make myself calm down? thanks xoxo

Class

sitting in any sort of class could prove to be boring for a student esspecially once they have finished their work... so I thought I'd blog a little about class... or lack their of... I don't understand how it is possible for a girl... a junior in highschool to be so grotesque when they are speaking about another human being.  How can someone develop an animalistic sense of entitlement when talking about friendships? some things I may never understand but when this certain girl is attacking me personally or some extension of me whether it is one of my close friends or God forbid she is attacking my boyfriend said female had better watch her step as I don't fair well with people offending people I care about.  When a person cares about another person, I mean truely, deeply cares about them they will stop at nothing if that person is hurt until they are happy again and whatever was hurting them is for lack of a better word, taken care of, and so when I heard that said little snide troll was picking on my best friend, talking poorly about me to my boyfriend, and talking poorly about my relationships to others I had to react.  I don't see what is so wrong with that.  I also apologized to the deplorable animal because I said some pretty mean things and she accepted said apology.  So why is it that now everytime I pass by her she must once again bring up my bulemia? All it does is make me more depressed and makes me do it more. Every time. If anyone has any insight into this please don't hesitate to shed some light onto my current problem.  Thanks xoxo

First Timer

I'm a virgin to blogger but I've blogged before and I'm going through a lot right now so I thought it might help.  I have recently come to terms with my eating disorder and have been seeking help from friends and loved ones.  I am feeling very strong right now because I realize that it takes a lot to admit to something like this.  I'm a senior in high school and I have no doubts that this will be the hardest year for me thus far.